As I sit here writing this blog, it still seems strange that Iām doing it……at nearly 40 years old I finally feel like Iām achieving something I want to share with people. I have a new confidence about me, Iām not hiding away…….
Back in February I turned up at Simply FITT like a rabbit in headlights not knowing what to expect, feeling self conscious and incapable of doing anything as I looked around the gym not even knowing what majority of the equipment was. I stood there and thought to myself āwhy the hell did I agree to this?!ā Once I got talking with James I started to relax as I realised that he wasnāt judging me….he wanted to help me achieve my goals (at this point in time I just thought about my weight more than anything). He didnāt mock me because I didnāt know what I was doing, he encouraged me, made it fun and I thought by the end of my first session āIām gonna like this!ā
So here I am coming up to nine months later, still training, still focusing on eating the right foods, fuelling my body in the right way (they call it junk food for a reason!) and still pounding forward on a journey I never thought Iād take. How has this journey affected my life, where is it taking me? Letās start with the most noticeable…
In the nine months the obvious thing Iām going to tell you is that Iāve become fitter! I sat on my arse for 20 years in an office, my idea of exercise was a walk in to town, an incline could get me out of breath. So of course, by becoming fitter Iāve become thinner – so I reached my goal right??? Why am I still doing this? Man!!! There is so much more to it!
Itās now a lifestyle, itās natural and Iām reaping benefits. I look better, I feel better….but itās more than a physical thing, itās a mental thing.
I have suffered from mental health issues for the last 20 years, anxiety, depression, manic episodes, insomnia, anger issues you name it. Iāve been on medications, in therapy, under mental health teams. Guess what, all of that has got better! Itās not gone totally, of course, unfortunately my programming makes sure itās a life long issue, but I donāt even feel I need to manage my health issues now, itās under control. Now theyāve always said exercise is good for your mental health, but I never knew it was this therapeutic.
As a person Iāve grown, Iām genuinely confident for the first time, my anger has almost dispersed and I deal with situations rationally and methodically. For the first time in a long time I feel in control.
Some people will say, oh itās because you look better you feel better in yourself. I ask you this, is it because I feel better in myself I feel I look better in myself?! If Iāve changed this much in nine months, where will I be in another nine months?
I have qualified in level 2 health and nutrition whilst on my journey (I would literally have laughed in your face if youād told me Iād do that a year ago) and am studying towards my Level 3 Specialist Nutrition Diploma…..the food side of things is a whole other blog in itās self, so watch this space for that one.
So, the physical difference! Well thatās huge too. Iām two stone lighter, Iāve dropped nearly two clothes sizes, Iām more toned, there is still room for a lot more improvement but….again the physical side surprised me as originally I connected doing exercise to getting āskinnyā and that was fine, we all want to lose weight, but what I hadnāt considered was how much STRONGER it made you!
As weight fell off me and I started wearing different clothes to actually show off myself a bit more (I donāt mean Iām suddenly walking around half naked, more fitted clothes, brighter clothes not blending in to the neutral zone) I realised I could see some toned muscles, I realised I was getting strong, really strong! And I love it!
Suddenly that was all I could think about, I wanted to focus more on getting stronger and stronger, but in my head Iām thinking āI donāt want to look like some big buff she hulk!ā That thought was so unappealing. Again this is where James was able to make me understand that as a woman Iām not going to look like Arnie if I start lifting weights! As a woman I donāt have the hormones that will make me huge, if I get stronger I will get toned, my muscles will become lean, the reason I will see my muscles is because Iām burning the body fat covering them. I started looking more into women weight lifting on social media and the internet, and I wasnāt seeing all these hulk like figures, I now got it…..strong is the new pretty!
Yeah that sounds really cheesy, I know, but itās true. Iām the furthest thing from a bra burning feminist there is….in fact I may well do a blog on that subject another time (Iāll get my strong shoulders ready for the abuse to my views!) I digress…..but being stronger started empowering me, and I realise itās a huge part of my confidence growing. James said to me share what Iām doing, put a video up, I was dubious….all I could think about was people leaving horrible comments or making fun of me but I agreed and I posted a few videos on Instagram (mayclouded just in case you want to look) and Facebook at me lifting and all I got was positive comments! Strangers supporting me and encouraging me as well as my friends.
Hitting a new PB in my weights is so much more exciting than losing another pound off my body weight! And of course, lean muscle weighs more than fat, so if my muscles are strong and lean Iām not going to be a feather on the scales, but the inches are still going down on the size! In my head before I knew this, I thought oh god my weight has plateaued Iām never going to be a little nine stone mini. But now I donāt even care what I weigh, as I know thatās not relevant. I used to be bogged down by the numbers on the the scales, wincing every time as I was always in double figures, weight is what everyone focuses on. I obviously had the initial weight loss as I was quite overweight, there was a lot of body fat to get rid of. Hereās a picture of my face at the beginning and now to date, I literally cringe at this:
So I have done the standard blog duty it seems and told you about my weight loss and body changing, my mental health……I want to touch on what happens when I am actually working out, I donāt mean hot, knackered etc, I mean what is going on in my head and how I feel.
This first example I am going to use is yesterday, as it really did throw me. I was working out with the boys, we were doing a leg day. I know Iāve got strong legs now so thought this is going to be great I can keep up and itāll be a great team workout. I did my barbell squats, I did my frog squats, weighted suicide squats and duck walks….then came the challenge of us all getting through 150 box jumps by doing 50 each in the quickest time possible……SHIT! Iāve never done a box jump! Iām going to let my boys down here, suddenly in my head Iām having a doubt in myself, I donāt want to let the guys down as so far weāve all been on track together….the Plyo box comes out, Iām thinking actually this is ok, Iāve done loads of step ups on this, I can jump up on it! I watched the guys smashing through 20 jumps, then I was up…..I went to jump, I couldnāt! Literally it was like someone pushed my leg back down. I laughed it off, I tried again, the same thing happened! Whatās going on?! James is telling me this is normal, my head isnāt hearing that, Iām feeling stupid! He gives me his hand as balance, I go to jump again, same thing!! So we get the Reebok step out instead, its lower, and yep, sure enough with the help of holding Jamesā hand, I can do a box jump on to it! But I feel a failure….Iām not, Iāve done it, but I feel like the āgirlā now in the group! But actually after the frustration and beating myself up about it, I realise now that I have a new goal, I now have a mission to do a box jump (no hand for balance) on to that damn Plyo box!! So again, a negative is turned into a positive……there is no such thing as failure!
I went through a similar thing with press ups, never thought Iād be able to do press ups on my knees let alone on my toes….the sense of accomplishment when I did my first one on my toes, and then when I did ten on my toes….its amazing!
Iām realising that some of the things I do in the gym are actually unnatural, its not an every day occurrence squatting with 80kgs on your back….I pulled the bar down as Iām trying to get back up, WTF?!?! Thatās really not gonna help! Every exercise its not just a physical thing, its an emotional thing, a psychological thing, its a learning curve…the moment youāve perfected the technique, the moment you totally cock it up, the moment you get that PB……its all great!
Turning up on that cold winter evening to Simply FITT was the best (and bravest) decision I ever made…..there is more to this than exercise. Itās your total wellbeing, and I canāt wait to see where Iām going next.